


Time Bomb

by ShaneColton



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety, Body Trauma, Depersonalization Disorder, Depression, Drug Abuse, F/M, Injury, Jarvis Never Died, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Torture, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma, Triggers, Vision is only a small part Jarvis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 08:41:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16552568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShaneColton/pseuds/ShaneColton
Summary: Tony Stark is not okay.The events of Civil War have left him broken and the culminaton of all the trauma he's suffered since Afghanistan have become to much to handle.He's alone, more alone than he has ever been, and Tony doesn't fuction well on his own.This is a story about brokenness and depression, being surrounded by a darkness so thick it chokes the life from him. But this is also a story about rebuilding a life that's worth living, recovery, and finding the light at the end of the tunnel."What the machines couldn't fix was the nerve damage and scar tissue, the drug habit he'd thought he'd left behind twenty years ago, and the need to dull his pain with alcohol."(Mind the tags. They will be updated as the story progresses.)





	Time Bomb

**Author's Note:**

> Hey. Thanks for giving this a chance. I have much love for Tony Stark and am finally getting my brain together to write what I hope becomes a great story. Every chapter is a Song title and lyrics from the song will be used throughout. This first chapter is short, just a kind of preview of what we're getting into. Comments and helpful criticisms are welcome, as well as kudos. If you like this, please let me know. It's motivating for me!
> 
> <3, Shane.
> 
> (Song: Bloodstream - Imagine Dragons)

_~~ I’ve been drunk three times this week_  
_Spent all my money on a fleeting moment_  
_I thought I can’t shake this off_  
_Now I can’t make this stop_  
_Yeah, things were sweet three months ago_  
_When I was living how I wanna on my own_  
_And I thought I don’t need that much_  
_I guess I was out of touch~~_

The smell of burning hung heavy in his nostrils, something hard and cool pressing into his forehead. He was hanging on to the last threads of sleep when he heard the alarm in the background, JARVIS's panicked voice saying something he just couldn't quite understand.

  
Brown eyes blinked open and Tony Stark lifted his head, looking down to his hands. One held a small soldering iron that was pressed against his arm, having burned through his shirt and into his skin. He cursed softly, yanking it away and flipping it off before tossing it aside and hissing in pain.

 _Sir, I was trying to wake you. Are you alright?_ JARVIS's voice was coming across loud and clear now that Tony was awake and he sighed softly, grabbing for his small med kit.

  
"Yeah, J. I'll be fine. How long was I out?" Tony opened the bag to discover it was empty. Again. He'd forgotten to refill it when he'd hurt himself the last time.

_Seven minutes, forty-two seconds, sir._

  
Tony squeezed the bridge of his nose before pushing to his feet and shuffling across the room to his medical toolbox. It was silver like most of his others but this one stood out simply because it was far cleaner than the rest due to its contents. No grease marks or scuffed metal. Pulling open a drawer, he snagged a packaged syringe that contained a solution of lidocaine and epinephrine, ripping it open with his teeth and flipping off the cap. With practiced moves he numbed the area in and around the burn, which was at least second degree, and leaned into the toolbox as the pain ebbed away and the wound slowly numbed. He hurt himself often enough that even though he had a medical floor in his tower, it was beneficial to simply have some supplies in his workshop.

Stripping off his clothes, he moved into the bathroom as the doors to his workshop automatically locked, the glass frosting to give him privacy. The shower was programmed and all he had to do these days was press a button to get things the way he wanted or speak a simple command to Jarvis. Not bothering to catch his reflection as he passed by the mirror, he stepped into the shower he had designed himself.

  
The water sprayed around his body instead of falling down on him like a normal shower. His tired eyes fell shut and he braced himself against the wall with his good arm as the warmth enveloped him. The water only slightly misted his face, something that was acceptable despite his screwed up mind. As the water cleansed him of blood and sweat, he blinked to watch the cloudy red water wash down the drain next to his feet.

  
Seven minutes of sleep in the span of forty-five hours seemed par for the course these days, yet somehow he was still functioning despite that. With the amount of coffee and red bull in his system he was surprised that he was still bleeding red and not some thick brown sludge like of his bots might when broken down. Part of him felt more machine than man most days but bleeding reminded him he was human, even if no one else bothered to remember such facts.

  
Once clean, he stepped out and reached for the waiting towel, pressing his face into it for a long moment and letting the fresh scent of detergent calm the pangs of anxiety. It eventually found its way around his hips before his gaze landed on his reflection from the full length mirror. A shudder wracked his slim body, the very sight of his chest able to trigger a panic attack.

  
_The shield slammed into his chest, just narrowly having missed his face. Between the strength of the vibranium and Cap’s own super human abilities, it cracked through his suit and Tony gasped as the reactor sank deeper into his chest, cracking the casing the separated the tech from his organs. He sucked in a breath as it blinked and shuttered, dying inside of him. Steve ripped the shield from his body and the blue light that kept him alive blinked again before shorting out, the suit losing power around him._

  
_He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, and pain swelled in his chest as the miniscule pieces of shrapnel shifted._

  
Tony pulled himself from the memory that often replayed itself in his mind and let his eyes trail over the damage that fight had done. He’d never trusted doctors, not since he’d woken up in a cave, his chest heavy and foreign and connected to a battery. When he’d gotten home from Afghanistan he’d programmed his machines to operate on his wounded body. They removed a few ribs, made room in his chest cavity for the casing that held a miniaturized version of a project his father had brought to life, and had kept him alive in the process.

  
But Siberia had changed everything. The damage that had been done was almost irreversible. The suit had been locked around his body, and Tony hadn’t bothered with using the manual releases because he was very much aware that the suit was the only thing keeping him alive. The damage to his chest was severe, he could feel it with every gasped breath, and the warmth of his blood soaking into the under suit was enough to tell him that removing it would allow him to bleed out. Not to mention freezing to death, though both would happen regardless if he wasn’t found in time. He hadn’t wanted to die there, so he held on to consciousness as long as possible, his mind finally slipping into blackness moments before soldiers happened upon his location.

  
No one had known enough about his suit to get it to release and it took valuable hours for the military to finally pry it free. The doctors had dealt with the bleeding as much as they could, and despite how unstable his condition was Pepper had forced them into transferring him to the Stark Industries plant in Japan. There Jarvis has quickly uploaded himself to the system, programming the right machines to once again fix their creator.

  
Tony had nearly died multiple times en route, and he hadn’t regained consciousness until about a week later. His tech had rebuilt his chest while placing another reactor, something doctors had no clue about, but he was alive and breathing no matter how much he wished he wasn’t.

What the machines couldn’t fix was the nerve damage and the scar tissue, the drug habit he’d thought he left behind twenty years ago, and the need to dull his pain with alcohol.

  
His scarring was extensive now and Tony finally pulled his eyes from his chest and slid into clean pants before stepping out into his workshop again and sliding his sock covered feet back into his shoes.

  
Sinking onto a stool, he treated and bandaged his still bleeding arm. Tony grabbed a clean shirt and pulled it over his head, just having shoved his thumbs through the holes on the cuffs before the door beeped unlocked and Pepper walked in.

“J, why didn’t you tell me anyone was here?” He mumbled, running hands through his messy, damp hair before turning to face her with a practiced smile in place.

_I did, sir. But you must have not heard me._

Pepper looked Tony over as he minutely adjusted his body language to project confidence and health, and for the moment she seemed to buy it. “Tony, I emailed you a few things but I never heard back. I need your approval and signature on a recent company deal.”

“Oh. I haven’t bothered with my email for a few days, I suppose. I’ve been working on a new project and you know how I tend to forget the rest of the world.” Not to mention there was no one around to remind him to do the important things like eat or sleep or answer his emails.

“Mm.” She handed him a StarkTab and he spun around lazily in his chair while perusing the new terms of a business deal with another company. Pepper was smart and good at what she did, hence he’d made her CEO. But he still owned such a large portion that he had say on things like this. Her eyes trailed over the barely controlled chaos of his workshop, landing on the empty gauze packages and bloody antiseptic wipes lying on top of his medical toolbox. “You okay?”

He looked up distracted and his face twisted into confusion before he followed her gaze. “Oh. That. Yes, I’m fine. Just a scratch.” His usual response, that much she knew. Even when it was far more than a scratch. Brown eyes drifted back to the tablet and he used his finger to sign a rough signature on the proper spots before handing the tablet back to the capable woman standing a few feet away.

“Take care of yourself, Tony.” Pepper said, shooting him a smile that was more fond than professional. God, he missed her. Missed her presence in his tower, in his bed, in his life. The way her touch could calm his fears and soothe his anxieties. He let out a breath he didn’t know that he’d been holding as he looked at her and returned the smile a little too brightly to be real.

“Course.”

She walked out of his workshop, out of his life again and when the door was closed his posture sank and the smile slid from his face. He was a wreck, but if there was one thing that Tony Stark was good at, it was pretending.

 _~~ I’m f***ed up, I’m faded._  
_I’m so complicated,_  
_Those things that I said_  
_They were so overrated_  
_But I, yeah I meant it_  
_I really f***ing meant it_  
_Yeah, I meant it. ~~_

Tony took a break from what he’d been working on and wandered upstairs to what had once been the common floor. Where people, his team, his family, had congregated. Ate meals together. Watched movies together. Occasionally fell asleep together. It was so quiet he could hear the very faint hum from the reactor in his chest and he sighed quietly. The fridge stayed stocked thanks to various staff that he allowed when he wasn’t around and he opened the door to peek inside. His stomach growled, reminding him that he hadn’t eaten in about as long as he hadn’t slept, but nothing looked good.

  
He was a terrible cook but he didn’t even have the motivation to try and do something simple so he let the door shut with a soft whoosh and sank down to sit on the floor, back against the cabinets. His calloused hands brushed across his cheeks before covering his face completely as if he were trying to hide. And maybe he was. Life had a penchant for screwing Tony over, especially when he was stable and trying to live a good life. Fate seemed to prefer him broken and depressed.

  
“J, buddy, can you order me a Jimmy Johns? And tell them it better be here in ten.”

  
_Of course, sir._ There was a pause of several minutes where Tony just sat and focused on his breathing, trying not to think of the time that he and Steve had sat in this same spot with bottles of beer and a set of jacks. A childish game, maybe, but putting money on it and being tipsy had made the game more adult. Tony had lost unsurprisingly, thanks to Steve and those super soldier reflexes.

  
_Delivery expected in eight minutes, sir._ Tony snapped out of his reverie and gave a nod.

  
“Thanks.”

  
_~~ I gave up three times this week_  
_Went through those feelings_  
_Like I wasn’t nothing._  
_I thought I can shake this off_  
_No, I can’t be this soft.~~_


End file.
